Ad Nauseum: Take a Look at My 15% or More

Old Spice and Geico have been pushing the weird quotient on their TV commercials for a while now, but they may have both set new personal bests in terms of weirdness with their latest respective ad campaigns.

For Old Spice, it started with their “Mom Song” commercial, a look into the world of mom-stalker tendencies when it comes to their sons’ dating habits. I actually saw the shortened version below 1st, and there’s something about the Asian lady’s voice that still cracks me up every time, which is why it gets the embed-treatment here (as opposed to the longer original version). What makes these commercials is how truly horrifying and grotesque the women that were picked to play these mothers are…my apologies ladies, but holy f***ing s***.

Geico’s commercials have been out there (no, I mean really out there) for long enough now that they teeter on the line between amusing and utterly annoying. I actually enjoy some of the did you know ads they have been running lately (“thus endeth the trick”), but I have to say these portrait ads I don’t get at all. Make it stop…please, make it stop.

2014 NBA Power Rankings, Week 1: Pow, Pow, Power Rankings!

You know what 2014 is missing? NBA Power Rankings, that’s what…here…we…go.

1. San Antonio Spurs (31-8)…While Portland is the surprise team out West so far, the Clippers, Thunder, and Grizzlies are sloshing through injuries, and Golden State and Houston continue to try to feel their ways out, you know who would be the number 1 seed in the West again if the playoffs started today? That’s right.

These guys! See what I did there?

2. Indiana Pacers (30-7)…While it’s obvious by now that Miami doesn’t care about this regular season at all, the Pacers continue to use it as their angry, chippy, smashmouth announcement to the world that they have arrived as a team to be reckoned with. Just please don’t f*** it up and sign Andrew Bynum.

3. Miami Heat (27-11)…Even after losing 3 straight to sub-0.500 Eastern Conference teams, it’s hard to get worried. Hey look, a Greg Oden sighting!

This is some mythical unicorn stuff...

4. Portland Trailblazers (29-9)…I believe their 1st entry on this list in either the top or bottom 5 in 3 seasons, but much deserved. Portland is one of those franchises that the league is just better when they’re good.

5. [Tie] Los Angeles Clippers (27-13) and Oklahoma City Thunder (28-10)…Hard to pick between these 2 Western Conference powers playing without their star point guards. You’d give the edge to LA maybe because Darren Collison has outplayed Reggie Jackson thus far in the replacement role, but then again even with Blake Griffin having a career year Kevin Durant is still Kevin Durant after all.

The 2013 Redskins in Review, Part 2: Another 18 Million Reasons Next Year Ought To Be Better...I Hope

If we are going to go down the list of what went wrong with the Redskins this season, you have to follow-up a discussion of RG3 with one about the rest of the roster…this dreadful, no-talent roster. It’s still baffling to me that many people – knowledgeable intelligent people who cover sports for a living – thought this team would be better than the 2012 version. The reasons for this predicted improvement included Griffin being better and having a better grip of the offense in year 2 and having continuity after returning something like 21 of 22 starters off of a playoff roster. Well, we already talked about Griffin’s issues coming back from injury, so it goes without saying that those types of expectations for him were absurd.

While this is a quarterback’s league, and the Redskins hope that Griffin is their signal caller for the next 10 years, the bigger issue may have been that 2nd point though. This is a franchise that incurred salary cap penalties in back-to-back years of $18 million per year. They didn’t return 21 of 22 starters because they wanted to…they did because they couldn’t afford to sign anybody better than what they already had. Last season, they won 10 games because their quarterback had one of the great rookie seasons of all time, they played a creampuff last place schedule, and they got hot at the right time. This was the definition of lightning in a bottle, not a sustained formula for success.

During a late season loss to the Eagles, the Fox broadcast showed a graphic of the impact players on the Eagles’ roster whose 2013 salaries totaled $18 million…now, a bunch of those guys were still on their relatively cheap rookie contracts, but the list was between 6-8 players deep, and it was staggering. $18 million is a lot of money. That could be a couple superstar players or a handful of solid starting level players. It’s nothing to sneeze at. $18 million is the difference between a starting NFL defensive backfield and a group of backups. It’s the difference between a professional right tackle and left guard and a couple guys who might not be in the league next season. It’s the difference between a competent and reliable 2nd option at wide receiver and the hodge-podge group the Redskins trotted out there this past season. And it's the difference between a team that has good depth for when injuries occur and to play on special teams and having possibly the worst special teams units of all time.

Hopelessly flailing at opposing punt returners was a common move for Redskins' special teamers this season.

But the Redskins’ problem is going to be that even with that added cap space back, they may simply still have too many holes to fill. London Fletcher retired, and salary cap dead weight Josh’s (Morgan and Wilson) come off the books. But Washington will have important decisions to make on guys like Brian Orakpo and Santana Moss, who could both hit free agency. Moss had some great receiving years early on in his career in Washington, and he could still be useful as a slot receiver on 3rd downs, but he’s no longer $4 million a year useful. Orakpo has shown flashes as an edge rusher, but his production to this point in his career probably doesn’t match up with the type of payday he wants this offseason. You get the feeling that he’s probably going to command that type of money from someone…with all their other needs though, I’m just not sure it should be the Redskins.

Aside from that, there are always roster moves that are made when a new coach comes to town just to bring in people that will fit his system, so cuts and signings along those lines are to be expected. The Redskins also have decisions to make on cheaper free agents such as Reed Doughty, Perry Riley, and DeAngelo Hall. All are very, very expendable in my book, but letting them walk just means there will be more positions where replacements will be needed. After all that, that $18 million in salary cap room could go quickly. And with the lack of a 1st round pick this year, cheap starting level talent will be hard to come by.

If God (and Bruce Allen) have any sympathy for Redskins' fans at all, they will at least let one of the most hateable Skins of my memory walk this offseason.

If I were GM Bruce Allen, I would probably focus on a right tackle (to help keep RG3 off his back), a number 2 receiver (even though I think Pierre Garcon is more likely a number 2 receiver than a number 1 on a good offense), an inside linebacker to replace Fletcher, and at least 2 starting defensive backs…Brandon Meriweather has a player option for a couple more seasons, and they just used a 2nd round pick on David Amerson, but if you could somehow wave a magic wand, ax everybody, and get an entirely new starting defensive backfield, I would do it. Even after that, I wouldn’t mind an upgrade at guard and on the defensive line, but all of that might be too much to ask. After all, we’re taking $18 million, not $80 million.

The 2013 Redskins in Review, Part 1: RG3 Version 2.0

Unbelievably, the last time I made a post about the Redskins was following their final win of the season, a win utterly and undoubtedly gifted to them by the San Diego Chargers. Almost more unbelievably, that was in the 1st week of November. As each following week brought another loss and more revelations of the franchise’s ineptitude, I chose to go dark. Washington was boiling over with ridiculousness to the point where it would’ve been mostly pointless to comment on the happenings from week to week. Instead, I decided to wait until this season was completely nuked before sorting through the rubble, which I will try to do in a multi-post series.

I guess if you’re going to start anywhere, you need to start with the team’s franchise player, Robert Griffin III. From the opening week loss to the Eagles, it was obvious to everyone that RG3 was simply not ready to play. As a fan, you were hopeful, and he showed flashes of his old self throughout the season, but this was not the same guy who completed maybe the best and most explosive offensive rookie season of the history of the league just a year ago…and that included missing a game and playing several others on a wounded knee last season. No, this Griffin was a step (or 2) slower, and played very tentatively, which was in stark contrast to the decisiveness and instinctiveness he showed in year 1.

If only RG3 followed the advice of his own catchy t-shirt slogan.

By season’s end, Griffin not only looked slower and more indecisive, he actually looked skittish and shell-shocked. In 2012, most of the hits Griffin accumulated took place outside of the pocket (either on designed runs or scrambles), but in 2013 he seemed to take a weekly beating from within the pocket, a result of Griffin’s inability (for probably the 1st time in his life) to outrun defensive lineman and his offensive line’s glaring inability to block them. Already trying to regain the confidence and mechanics to step into throws again following major knee surgery, RG3 also seemed to be fighting what I believe is technically termed as the yips, as he started to rush or just plain miss on throws with no defenders near him as well, possibly anticipating getting hit before there was any real threat of contact.

At this point, it would be hard to argue against the idea that Griffin has been mismanaged throughout this injury/rehab process. Part of that is his own doing…his ego, tough-mindedness, and marketing strategy (all in for week 1) worked to his own detriment. But at the end of the day, the buck stops with the organization (more on that later). If a player wants to check himself into action before the coaches, doctors, and front office execs deem him ready, it’s their job to tell the player to slow his roll. Because of that reason (and my yips comment above), I actually didn’t mind coach Mike Shanahan’s decision to deactivate RG3 the last 3 weeks of the season on the surface. But Shanny’s real motivations and his and the team’s mismanagement of Griffin from last season’s playoff game against Seattle give you pause as well, as it seems doubtful that his intentions were pure either (more on that later too).

It also proved that the rest of the team was still s*** tier whether RG3 was manning the helm or anyone else.

Now, one can only hope that by the start of next season Griffin’s knee and his psyche are fully healed, that the new coaching staff puts him in the best positions to be successful and stay healthy, and that the end to the league-imposed $36 million cap penalty allows the organization to put more pieces around him. There's a common thought now that RG3 is damaged goods, that he is a raging egomaniac who has been catered to too much too soon, that he's only a running quarterback who can't be effective from the pocket, and that he isn't capable of being a leader. How quickly everyone forgot last season already, when he seemed to have all his s*** together both on and off the field. Losing tends to do that though. If he can play up the standard he set for himself during his rookie year next season, all that will go away. If not, it may be back to the drawing board (again) for the Redskins.