Ad Nauseum: It's Not Complicated vs. The Simple Choice

For this edition of Ad Nauseum, we’re going to stick with dueling cell phone providers. Cell phone commercials are so rampant these days that it can be tough to produce one that doesn’t induce viewer-vomiting and shoe-throwing, much less one that you actually end up remembering.

But when AT&T’s series of “It’s Not Complicated” ads started running several months ago, they were smart enough to realize that they had a good thing going very early on, and they have continued to churn out a new 30 second version of this spot every couple of weeks or so. The kids say the darnedest things aspect is golden, but it’s the ad-libbing of the straight-faced adult that makes the commercials work…even when the kids are swapped out for a quartet of NBA legends.

Not to be outdone, T-Mobile basically copycatted the general premise of the AT&T commercials’ catchphrase…if “The Simple Choice” isn’t a synonym for “It’s Not Complicated,” I don’t know what is. Still, there’s something humorous about Frankenstein’s monster getting offended at the scientist’s extremely condescending and patronizing tone. One can only hope that the monster dismembered him later offscreen…or smacked him around a little bit at the very least.

From Scrubs to Super-Subs: the Transformation of Miami's Bench

As I sat and watched the Heat dismantle the Bulls last night, my interest level in the game itself shrunk with each passing wide open layup or Ray Allen 3 in the 2nd half. For several minutes, there was at least the potential for some entertaining chirping, mean-mugging, and raised elbows, but Joakim Noah and Taj Gibson were eventually asked by the officials to continue their respective nights from the locker room. From then on, both coaches emptied their benches with obvious orders not to get involved in anything stupid, as it looked like all 10 players on the court for the last 3 or 4 minutes feared they would get suspended for the remainder of the series if they even breathed too closely to someone in the other colored jerseys.

Anderson, Allen, and Cole had a big hand in last night's win for Miami.

The last thing I noticed before turning off the TV was who Miami had on the court, which included James Jones, Mike Miller, and Joel Anthony…wait a minute, weren’t these guys all playing crunch-time minutes for the Heat the last 2 years? Ok, maybe crunch-time is a stretch, but the point is they all got at least a decent amount of run! Anthony was a starter for the Heat during their Finals loss to the Mavs, and was even the 1st big guy off the bench during last year’s playoffs when Miami discovered the small-ball lineup they still use today. Miller made 7 3’s and scored 23 points in the clinching Game 5 of last year’s Finals. James Jones…well, he caused Paul Pierce to get ejected in a playoff game 2 years ago, but that’s something at least! Now, they are filling up garbage time in a 37 point playoff route?

During the 1st 2 seasons of The Big 3, figuring out how James, Wade, and Bosh meshed was the biggest problem. But even when it seemed like they had finally figured that out sometime last season, I still wondered whether Miami had the supporting cast to win a title. Once they decided to go small – playing Bosh or Haslem at center most of the time while LeBron and Battier manned the forward positions – the role players all just kind of fell into their proper places. Haslem and Anthony played D and rebounded. Miller and Battier stood on the perimeter and made 3’s off of LeBron and Wade’s penetration. And Mario Chalmers and Norris Cole could do Mario Chalmers and Norris Cole things as well.

The improvement in their bench this season might actually have given the Heat the deepest roster in the league…a far contrast from the 2011 playoffs, when you wondered if their backups would even make many other NBA rosters. At 37, Ray Allen would be a liability given starter’s minutes, but his current 3-point bench mercenary is the perfect role for him at this stage of his career. (For my money, he’s still the best shooter in the world right now not named Steph Curry.) Battier’s defensive versatility and 3-point shooting is crucial to Miami’s funky lineups. Cole has developed to the point where Erik Soelstra can pretty much platoon him and Chalmers based on who is going good that particular night. And midseason addition Chris Anderson gives the Heat the 1 thing they really never had before: an athletic, high-energy, rim-protecting big man they can spell Bosh with. Haslem, who’s skills have declined, pretty much plays the 1st 8-9 minutes of the 1st and 3rd quarters and then sits the remainder of the game. And Rashard Lewis, the other big-time free agent acquisition of this past offseason for the Heat, only sniffed the court when the dogs had longed been called off. It’s been quite an overhaul…and it’s one of the main reasons they have to be considered the favorite going forward.

Oh, and that LeBron guy’s not bad either.

NBA 1st Round Recap and Previewing the Conference Semifinals

The 1st Round of the NBA Playoffs is officially in the books, and the Conference Semifinals are under way, so it’s time to review the last week and a half as well as look ahead. There weren’t a lot of 1st Round surprises, unless you want to refer to Russell Westbrook and Blake Griffin’s injuries and the bearing they had on their teams’ respective series. The 2 biggest shockers probably shouldn’t have been all that shocking in hindsight. 1st off, as great a regular season as Denver had, we should have enough evidence by now that starless NBA teams that advance deep into the postseason are few and far between. And even with a far less talented roster and missing their 2nd best player (David Lee), the Warriors showed they do indeed have a star in Steph Curry. 2nd, the Nets’ roster consists of coach-killing dogs. Comparatively, despite losing player after player to injury and illness the Bulls’ roster is filled with fighters. The fact that Chicago would somehow find a way to will their way past Brooklyn should have been obvious from the outset. One other observation…

Following the Heat’s ho-hum, very businesslike sweep of the Bucks, the biggest news coming out of Miami right now is the state of Dwyane Wade’s knees, and LeBron James missing being the unanimous MVP winner by 1 vote. Gary Washburn explained his reasoning behind voting LeBron behind Carmelo Anthony by opining that Melo was more valuable to the Knicks than LeBron was to the Heat, that the award is about team value (not an outstanding player award), and that New York would have been far worse without Melo this year than Miami would have been sans James. 1st of all, I think we all know by now that LeBron is the most valuable player to any team. The Cavs had the league’s best record in James’ last season there, and were picking 1st overall in the draft the year after he left town. 2nd, since Washburn throws around value so much, I could argue that while Anthony is far and away the Knicks’ best player, Raymond Felton (because of his ability to break defenses down, get in the paint, and kick the ball out to shooters) and Tyson Chandler (because he is the best rim-protector in the league and allows the Knicks to play the smaller and defensively challenged Melo at the 4) actually are more important to New York’s team success. Finally, while the award is termed the Most Valuable Player, the award was and always has been a Most Outstanding Player award for all intents and purposes, and James’ season ranks as 1 of the all-time bests by any metric. With all that being said, a unanimous vote doesn’t really matter at all. James still gets the trophy, and he likely will win enough of these by the end of his career that we will all be longing to give it to someone, anyone, else in the years to come.

And I fully support anyone’s right to argue against him winning it this year…it’s just fun to point out why they are wrong.

Now, I know 2 of the Semifinals series have already started, but how ‘bout some Round 2 predictions?

New York Knicks vs. Indiana Pacers (Pacers in 6)…Call me a liar if you want, but this would have been my upset pick even prior to New York’s Game 1 home loss. As I said a couple weeks ago, Indy is built for the playoffs, and New York continues to be a live-by-the-3, die-by-the-3 team…and if their cold shooting continues they are going to die by it. Also, New York’s roster was specifically built to get past Miami in the postseason. Indy is a bruising, physical, defensive team that isn't going to change their style of play to match New York’s small-ball lineups. You want to play Melo at power forward? Fine…well then, have fun dealing with David West on the other end of the floor. The only way to combat this is for the Knicks’ jumpers to start falling again…because don’t count on Melo and JR Smith to stop chucking even though they shot a combined 12 for 37 in Game 1.

Oklahoma City vs. Memphis Grizzlies (Thunder in 7)…Has the makings of a fascinating matchup if you ask me. Without Westbrook, I actually think the Griz are the better team, but we may see Kevin Durant unleash the full spectrum of his powers in this series, as he showed with last night’s 35 point, 15 rebound, 6 assist, 2 block line. That includes 2 critical jumpers in the final minute while OKC was still trailing.

Seriously, if LeBron wasn’t going to be the unanimous MVP choice, how could the other 1st place vote(s) go to anyone but KD?

Miami Heat vs. Chicago Bulls (Heat in 5)…Given the heart the Bulls play with, it’s tough to pick them to go out in so few games. And while Heat in 5 sounds like a blowout, I think 3 of those Miami wins will be the type of games that they will have to fight to the final possession. Still, you have to wonder if the Bulls have enough bodies and the ability to score enough points to deal with the Heat’s firepower.

San Antonio Spurs vs. Golden State Warriors (Spurs in 5)…Steph Curry will be the best player in this series as well, but I just think the Spurs will be too good for him to overcome. San Antonio operates like a machine, and they should have their full complement of players in this series as well. If the Warriors are able to steal 1 of the 1st 2 games, the Game 3 and Game 4 crowds in Oakland could be bonkers though. For Golden State fans, that’s probably the best you can ask for.

Redskins Get Defenseive [Back] in Draft Again

The hullabaloo and euphoria of last year’s NFL Draft for Redskins’ fans seems like a lifetime ago. As Washington traded away every 1st round pick from then to infinity for the right to move up to the number 2 slot and select RG3, I was filled with a strange combination of dread and excitement. A year later, we can look back on Griffin’s rookie season with much of those same feelings. RG3 was named the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year, and his talents almost singlehandedly transformed the Redskins from division doormat to division champion, but a devastating knee injury casts a cloud over his future.

This year, Washington’s draft prospects looked much different. Because of the deal that eventually landed Griffin in burgundy and gold, the Redskins had no 1st round pick in 2013. And because they actually won 10 games in 2012, they didn’t pick until the bottom half of the 2nd round. When they actually got a chance to pick, the Skins did something pretty familiar: they selected David Amerson, a cornerback from NC State.

Amerson certainly seems to possess the tools and physical attributes to develop into a solid NFL cornerback, and upgrading the pass defense was a definite need this offseason, but it’s aggravating to think of how many draft resources Washington has used over the years to improve their defensive secondary. In fact between 1999 and 2007, the Redskins used a 1st or 2nd round pick on a DB an astounding 5 times. And it has to be factored in that Washington regularly gives away draft picks like free samples, so it’s not like they had a 1st and 2nd rounder many of those years.

You draft 1st rounders expecting them to be All-Pros. You draft 2nd rounders expecting them to be solid starters at the very least. You would think that with all those picks, the Redskins would have had a lockdown secondary for the past decade. However, whether it was because they were busts, just didn’t pan out until they left Washington, or some other cruel twist of fate, none of the previous 5 DB selections are still in Washington.

1999 – Champ Bailey – 1st round, picked 7th overall…After 5 very good seasons in Washington, Bailey was traded to Denver for running back Clinton Portis. Portis became the Skins’ workhorse back and basically carried Washington to 2 playoff appearances during his 1st 4 seasons there. But we all know the short shelf life of running backs, and Portis’ last carry was in 2010 after enduring 2 very banged-up seasons. Meanwhile, Bailey is still playing productively in Denver, and made it to his 12th Pro Bowl last season…tying the record for most Pro Bowls played in for any player.

2001 – Fred Smoot – 2nd round, 45th overall…Smoot actually had 2 separate stints in Washington. During his 1st go-round, he established himself as at least a decent cover corner in pairing with Bailey, but I will more remember him for his mouth, poor open field tackling, and lying on the ground injured far too often…oh, and that Love Boat thing during his time in Minnesota too.

Smoot doing what he did best.

2004 – Sean Taylor – 1st round, 5th overall…Upon being drafted, Taylor almost immediately became my favorite Redskin at the time. He was a safety, yet he seemed to tower over many linebackers and defensive ends. During his 3 and a half years there, he developed a propensity for delivering vicious hits and making game-changing plays. Although it was early in his career, he had the looks of a future Hall of Famer. But Taylor was tragically and fatally shot in his Miami home during the 2007 season. We will never know what could have been.

2005 – Carlos Rogers – 1st round, 9th overall…Every year, some announcer would inevitably make the comment during a game that Rogers would be a perennial All-Pro if he could just hold on to the f***ing ball…well, I editorialized part of that, but you get the point. His career seemed to be on the downslope when he signed a measly 1 year deal with San Francisco, where he immediately led the team with 6 picks and was named a Pro Bowl starter.

F***.

2007 – LaRon Landry – 1st round, 6th overall…The Redskins had dreams of Landry and Taylor forming the most devastating safety pairing in the league…but we already know how that turned out. While Landry had a bad habit of breaking off his coverage assignment, he was having a Defensive Player of the Year caliber year in 2010 before suffering from achilles problems that eventually landed him on injured reserve. Landry has bounced around to the Jets and now the Colts the past 2 seasons, where he’s tried to reestablish himself as a legit NFL safety.

2013 – David Amerson – 2nd round, 51st overall…Hey, he’s not DeAngelo Hall, right?

Time for Justin Bieber to Go Away for a While

It’s true…Bieber Fever may have finally run its course. This statement isn’t in response to any one act that served as a final straw in the court of public opinion. Rather, it’s more an accumulation of minor atrocities over time, but the point is that it may be over for Justin Bieber. While his music was always nothing more than an annoyance to people with more grownup tastes, his story was at least interesting: a teenager from Canada getting discovered on YouTube only to become the biggest tween heartthrob since, I don’t know, ever?

The problem is that tween idols all inevitably grow up. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan can attest to this; Chris Brown too. And while Bieber hasn’t gone bat-s*** crazy like Spears or Lohan or done anything as detestable as Brown, his general douchebaggery is starting to wear pretty thin. (You could argue that he’s been past that point for a while, but I think it could be mostly ignored before…not so much anymore.) And like young athletes that come from nothing and suddenly have multimillion dollar contracts, it’s probably not a good thing that the Biebs went from nothing to megastar so quickly at such a young age. If douchey-ness was a kind of bacteria, those would be the perfect conditions for it to multiply and spread into some kind of douche-outbreak.

Case in point.

For me, Bieber’s 1st strike against him was him being awarded the NBA Celebrity All-Star Game MVP trophy a few years ago. Now, the celebrity game is a joke in and of itself, and his actual winning of the award was through no fault of his own, but I couldn’t help but think, what a punk. His line for the game: 8 points on 3/11 shooting while playing on the losing team. And his plus-minus was -10 for the game where his team lost by 5. So, you could actually make the argument that he lost the game for his team. Get the f*** out of here!

In terms of his music, I’m generally not a fan…although to be fair I do have 1 Bieber tune on my playlist, one of the singles (“As Long As You Love Me”) off his latest album. He’s made a concerted effort to appeal to a more adult audience the past year with his music…the only problem is the more you see of him the more he looks like a (sorry to rehash earlier descriptions) a punk douchebag.

Within the past few months, Bieber’s transgressions include childishly blowing up at a radio deejay on the air when the deejay compared his new album to the work of Justin Timberlake (meant as a compliment, but not taken that way), getting busted for smoking pot, and getting into it with some paparazzi over in London.

Individually, those all can be brushed off as understandable. So, he’s a little sensitive about being compared to other artists…big whoop. So, he smoked a little pot…how’s that different than 90% of all teenagers on this continent? So, he flipped out at some camera-wielding a**hole…most paparazzi probably deserve it. Like I said before though, it’s the accumulation of these things that raises some red flags. Also, if Bieber’s bodyguards weren’t there, I suspect his skills in a fight are probably on par with his skills on a basketball court…and I would have loved to see that…yikes.

Bieber won some brownie points back for his relatively funny and self-deprecating appearance on Saturday Night Live a few months ago, but he still dresses like an idiot (skinny jeans constantly falling off his a**) when he exhibits the ability to dress himself at all…which he hilariously drew the ire of Olivia Wilde on Twitter for as well. Bieber also apparently acted like a douche (again, sorry I can’t find another word, but it just seems to fit so well here) in his romantic split with fellow pop star Selena Gomez, for what that’s worth. When are famous teenagers going to learn to not date fellow famous teenagers anyway?

Or we could go with pants falling off a** and shirtless at the same time.

Yes, it may be time for the Biebs to just go away for awhile. While he may always be an idiot, some time out of the limelight might allow everyone to forget him for 5 seconds, which would actually be a good thing in his case. If you get booed at the halftime show of the Grey Cup (which is played in your home country) it might be time to give it a rest. And Canadians are notoriously friendly people too. However, I doubt that will happen anytime soon. Look for Bieber to remain a punchline for the foreseeable future.

Ad Nauseum: Cliff Paul, Hyundai Block Bullies, and Dr. Pepper Mountain Man

A few weeks ago, the Speed Stick Haircut Guy got a blog post all of his own. Let’s take a look at some more TV ads that have been burned into my brain (for better or for worse) lately…

Anyone who has watched any ESPN lately has seen the State Farm Cliff Paul commercials so many times by now that you almost want to just start calling him Cliff Paul in real life (ala Magic Johnson on ESPN’s NBA studio show). On the one hand, you have to like seeing CP3 sporting a porn star mustache, giant bifocals, and an argyle sweater. On the other hand, if you see these spots enough, for some reason you start to develop the inclination to punch Urkel-Chris Paul squarely in the jaw. As long as Paul keeps nailing postseason buzzer beaters though, he can make whatever kind of commercials he likes.

It’s hard to strike the perfect combination of cute, bada**, and funny, but Hyundai comes pretty close with their latest ad for their crossover, the Sante Fe. The imagery is just so good: a wronged kid and his p***ed off mom; the brothers doing curls and benching 450 in their driveway; the kid doing some serious welding; the kid wrestling a bear; the kid saving a guy 3 times his size from a burning building; the assembled team finishing the block bullies’ sentence at the end. It’s all great, and it shows that for a commercial to be good it almost has to be envisioned and developed like a little mini-movie. The only problem is that you almost immediately forget what the commercial is for in this case, but on an entertainment level alone I give it a 4.5/5.

Dr. Pepper started airing ads for their low-cal version, Dr. Pepper 10, several months ago in an attempt to appeal to men. The action hero and fantasy football wide receiver versions were aiight yet kind of weak at the same time. The different variations of the Dr. Pepper 10 Mountain Man crack me up every time though. A cross between Al Borland, Marty Stouffer from “Wild America,” and Chuck Norris, Mountain Man doesn’t need the technologies of the modern world. Mountain Man speaks the language of the forest animals, can carve out a canoe using his bare hands, and snacks on tree bark. Oh, and he has a sweet, sweet beard to boot. If Dr. Pepper 10 is good enough for this guy, it’s good enough for me…bold flavor indeed.

The Best Coast: Round 1 Western Conference Preview

Ok, I made it…and I am extra cranky from throwing my back out last night. So, Western Conference, I apologize if I my tone is slightly different than yesterday’s Eastern Conference Round 1 preview.

Oklahoma City Thunder vs. Houston Rockets (Thunder in 4)…Maybe my back-crankiness has given me a shorter fuse for some of those lower-seeded teams, and I think the Thunder will miss James Harden at some point in this postseason, but look for Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, and company to make quick work of the Rockets here.

San Antonio Spurs vs. Los Angeles Lakers (Spurs in 5)…A banged up Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili? No problem. Personally, I love the high-low offense that the Lakers have been using with Pau Gasol and Dwight Howard sans Kobe, but let’s get LA out of here already. No more Dwight-saga, no more Kobe tweeting coaching tips at halftime, no more of any of it. Enough…get out. And let’s give Tracy McGrady a 1st Round playoff series win for Pete’s sake. As lukewarm as an accomplishment as it would be given he was signed an hour ago and will probably only play 5 minutes a game, I always liked McGrady, and I wouldn’t mind seeing his name taken off this list.

Do your thing, T-Mac.

Denver Nuggets vs. Golden State Warriors (Nuggets in 7)…Could end up being the most fun series of the whole 1st Round. Hopefully Kenneth Faried won’t miss too much time, as injuries have started to pile up for the Nuggets, but I’m looking forward to Denver trying to score 130 points every night while Stephen Curry jacks up shot after shot without having any conscious whatsoever. Plus, this series features the circus act known as JaVale McGee. Need I say more?

Los Angeles Clippers vs. Memphis Grizzlies (Clippers in 6)…While I was rooting for LA to be matched-up with Denver in Round 1, Clips-Griz is nothing to sneeze at either. In the 1st Round of last year’s playoffs, these teams played a 7-game, knockout, drag out brawl of a series. The backbone of both teams is the same, but the Clippers have acquired even more talent (Lamar Odom, Matt Barnes, Grant Hill) while the Grizzlies have lost some pieces (Rudy Gay, Marreese Speights). While I think LA’s system is flawed and Memphis is built for playoff basketball, the Clippers’ depth of talent should be too much to overcome.

Looks like I made it through...Advil, ice packs, and gin, here I come!