To the Winners Go the Spoils...Or the Low-Risk, High-Reward Stock Options at Least: The Offseason Additions of the Miami Heat

With everything else going on in the sports world including the MLB playoffs, the NFL season, and the start of the NHL season (wait, f*** it, I don’t care about hockey), it’s almost shameful to talk NBA right now. And yet with NBA teams all in the midst of training camp, maybe it’s a good time to take a look at the upcoming season.

There are plenty of good storylines to talk about including the return of D-Rose, the new-look Brooklyn Nets, Kobe’s achilles, and Dwight Howard’s new home in Houston…but look for the same team that has dominated the headlines since the inception of its current core to do so again this year: yes, the Miami Heat.

Yea, those guys.

It’s fascinating to look back at the expectations that these Heat have had going into each of their seasons together. After signing LeBron James and Chris Bosh, people wondered whether they would win 70-plus games. Going into season 2, there was almost a sense of panic and wonderment as to whether they would ever live up to those original expectations. Going into season 3, the pressure of living up to those expectations had lessened, but people still wondered if they could sustain the level of greatness they had shown.

Going into season 4, having been to 3 NBA Finals and winning 2 titles in those 1st 3 years, the only pressure they really face is historical. If they lose, they will be thought of as having a very good run over the course of a 4 year span. If they win a 3rd straight championship, theirs will be measured against the great franchise runs in league history.

And that no pressure approach seemed to apply to what they did in the offseason as well. Originally thought to be pretty hamstrung by the salaries on their current roster and the luxury tax, Miami saved some dough by applying the amnesty clause to Mike Miller. Then, they re-upped with Chris Anderson, who proved to be a valuable high energy big guy off the bench last year. Then, they won the Greg Oden sweepstakes (if you want to call it that). Then, they acquired the very talented but often troubled Michael Beasley.

If Oden can give Miami just 10-12 minutes a night in April, May, and June, it might be the steal of the century.

The Anderson resigning was a smart one given Udonis Haslem’s decline, that Miami’s roster possesses no other real rim protectors, and the fact that Anderson seemed to blend in well with the rest of the roster. The pick-ups of Oden and Beasley were the kind of moves that a 2-time defending champion bringing basically everyone back can afford to make.

Oden and Beasley have had very troubled careers (for very different reasons) up to this point. If things don’t work out, the incentive-laden deals that both signed won’t make a dent in Miami’s short or long term plans. But because the Heat are already a ready-made championship team, there won’t be any pressure on them to produce right away either.

Umm, see the above caption from the Oden pic. Replace Oden with Beasley. Done.

In the worst case scenario, Beasley does something dumb again, Oden’s woesome knee problems continue, and neither ever ends up contributing. The next step up would be that they stay on the roster but just never crack Miami’s already loaded rotation, and they wind up being bench neighbors with other high profile garbage-timers like Rashard Lewis.

Miami has the locker room, talent, and clout to absorb any and all of that though. In fact, if Oden and Beasley never play a minute this year, the Heat will still be the odds-on favorite to win it all again. But if the 2 can actually get on the court and blend into Miami’s system, they could fill 2 supporting roles that the Heat have never had since James and Bosh came to town: a true 7-foot, paint-patrolling, rim-protecting behemoth, and an athletic combo forward who could possibly take some of the wing scoring pressure off of Dwyane Wade and James for a couple minutes a game.

Getting Dunked On: The New #1 Threat to People Everywhere

Because we live in the Twitter era, stuff can go viral at any moment. And that stuff could be anything. Usually, it’s something that 99.9% of people wouldn’t have even noticed if they saw it once. But it’s the whole viral part that makes you stop and say to yourself, Hey there’s that thing I know. From memes to catchphrases (YOLO), from planking to Tebow-ing, from “Gangnam Style” to “The Harlem Shake”…like I said, it literally could be anything. The next thing that goes viral will probably be a thing that you didn’t even know was thing until it became a thing…make sense?

Well, the next thing I hope goes at least a little bit viral (maybe dopes like me posting stuff about it will help a little) is dunking. Yes, it has to do with dunking a basketball. But no, it’s not about LeBron posterizing Jason Terry…well, maybe it is a little bit…but really it’s about regular everyday shmucks banging on one of their poor unsuspecting shmuck friends. Now, I think this is a little bit viral already…if that’s possible…I guess something is either viral or it’s not. Ahh, screw it! On to the GIFs!

1st, we have the GIF that might have started this whole idea, which was so aptly titled on certain GIF websites as “You Can Get Dunked On Anywhere.” It laid the foundation for everything else to follow. And as we see, you don’t even technically need any kind of hoop…just a dunker, someone who’s willing to be in on it, and a victim.

But if you want to get fancy, you can also dress up, get a larger group to be in on the prank, and use some nicer props. The trashcan worked in a pinch, but this one gets an “A” for choreography.

If you find a willing participant who’s foolish enough to be on the receiving end of a facial, even better yet.

And if dunking isn’t your thing, you can always play some defense. Even Gumby can get in on the act.

Wherever you are though, watch your back, watch your front, and watch your side…or else the next person that gets dunked on could be…Y…O…U.

Rolling the Dice with Some Major Fantasy Football Moves

Ok, so remember the last paragraph of my last post?

Of course not…

Often times in fantasy football trades, much like real life sports team moves, the best ones are the ones that never even happen. Too often people make changes to their roster just for change’s sake alone. Now, it’s true that if your team is pretty sucky, there are times when a roster move can work just because it shakes things up from the way they were before, but usually the results are an ugly mish-mash of players that just don’t work, and you end up with Monta Ellis, Brandon Jennings, and JJ Reddick manning your backcourt one year (and OJ Mayo, Brandon Knight, and Luke Ridnour the next).

Yes, I’m looking at you, Milwaukee.

More often than not, I follow my own advice. When the Redskins used to trade away draft pick after draft pick for old, overpriced, overrated players that didn’t fit their system, it would drive me nuts. As a fan, I’d much rather suffer through an awful season or 2 and rebuild the right way than constantly be in that 7-9/9-7 no-man’s land every season. Similarly, with my fantasy teams I usually practice patience and stick it out with who I draft (for the most part…smaller trades and free agent pick-ups aside) rather than make wholesale changes. In my own stubborn head, I usually believe that I drafted smartly (even when I didn’t), and I feel like the players I already have can turn my season around.

Well, not this year, motherf***er.

Aww yeah, son!

Sitting at 1-3 with 3 straight L’s, I’d seen enough. Within the span of about an hour yesterday morning, I completed not 1, but 2, multiplayer deals. This morning I sealed the transformation with a couple free agent pick-ups as well. In the 2 trades I said so long to Aaron Rodgers, AJ Green, Darren Sproles, Eddie Lacy, and Bernard Pierce…and hello to Matt Forte, DeMarco Murray, Dwayne Bowe, Greg Jennings, and Zach Miller. Jennings was inconsequential…if he performs well enough to actually crack my lineup, mazel tov to me…if not, oh well. If Jennings was inconsequential, Miller was irrelevant (he was just a throw-in for 1 of the trades, and I promptly dropped him this morning).

It was a wild 24 hours to be sure. Out of my current starting position skill players, only 1 (Larry Fitzgerald) or 2 (Steve Smith) were even drafted by me. My wide receiver corps is definitely weakened, but at least I have 2 reliable plug-and-go running backs that I shouldn’t have to worry about (save for an injury) for the rest of the season…unlike before, when I had to deal with weekly running back-roulette bulls***. As for quarterback and tight end, all I can really say now is, we’ll see.

The best part about making a couple of high profile moves is that even if you’re in last place, it ruffles some feathers. What was a warm, cuddly, quiet league a few days ago is now whipped into a frenzy. When people see a couple of moves being made, everyone then wants to make a move from fear of falling behind…even if they don’t need to (see above). The question is whether or not all this change will help me win…I guess myself and the Milwaukee Bucks of the world will find out soon enough.

Ok, maybe I'm not loving the Milwaukee Bucks imagery so much anymore.