Friday, June 29, 2012

Your Official B-Court All-Star 2012 NBA Draft Recap

Originally, I wasn’t going to post anything today. I had already obliterated my previous monthly post record, and there was nothing that had really sparked my interest enough to write about right off the bat…and then I started reading the NBA Draft results. Oddly enough, I had almost no interest in the Draft this year. A guy from my office, Chi, sarcastically asked me if I was going to have an “NBA Draft party” yesterday. In the most deadpan voice I could muster, I replied, “No…just…no.” I have a couple of problems with this draft as a whole. 1st, (and this has been the case for the last 15 years) with the 1-and-done college rule I have no real attachment to any of the players being drafted. 2nd, the drama had been taken out of the top of the draft weeks ago. Anthony Davis was the consensus number 1 pick by mid-February. With the needs of Charlotte and Washington, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist and Bradley Beal were the all too logical next choices. And 3rd, despite all the talk about how deep this year’s draft class was, I am skeptical as to whether any of them are going to be that good. I couldn’t help myself though. Some notes…

- Call me crazy, but I am not 100% convinced that Anthony Davis is going to be the stud that people are predicting. He could very well be Kevin Garnett, play for 15 years, and make double digit All-Star appearances, but he’s still a rail-thin 19 year old who has only been a big guy for 2 years (it’s been well-documented that he was only 6-3 or so until late into high school) who doesn’t have much of an offensive game yet. I’m not saying…but I’m just saying.

- MKG and Beal were the right choices at 2 and 3, but it’s hard to get overly excited about either. I love Kidd-Gilchrist’s motor, and he seems like a hard enough worker that he will improve on whatever shortcomings he has now, but I’m not sure what kind of player he projects as in the NBA. Beal fills the Wizards’ need as a shooter, but here’s the problem: how can you compare this guy to Ray Allen when he was like the 3rd option on his own college team and only shot 34% from 3? On the other hand, he played with 2 other “chucker” guards, so who’s to say it was entirely his fault?

- Not sure about this Dion Waiters pick. Bill Simmons beat me to the punch, but is it smart to use the number 4 pick on a guy who didn’t even crack his college squad’s starting 5?

- Like Thomas Robinson…don’t necessarily understand what the Kings are doing though. Their roster will probably be great in NBA 2K13 (Robinson, Cousins, Evans, and Jimmer), but not sure how it fits together on an actual basketball court.

- Some thought Harrison Barnes could be a top 5 pick, so I guess if he slides to 7 you have to take him, but why do I get the feeling he will be out of the league in 3 years? So much for a deep draft pool, right?

- Eeeeeeel! Can’t see Austin Rivers being a good pro unless he finds himself playing that Jamal Crawford come in off the bench and start immediately jacking role. Swagger and confidence is nice, but he’s not that big (I would guess closer to 6-2 than the 6-5 he’s listed as on ESPN.com), his jumper is not that consistent, and he is going to get abused on D by quick point guards and athletic 2’s alike.

- I guess Phoenix drafting Kendall Marshall at 13 is the official sign that Steve Nash is not coming back to the Suns next season.

- Looks like the Rockets’ devious plan of stockpiling picks to acquire D12 fell through. I like who they got though (especially Terrence Jones at pick 18). Either way, this draft should position them as a contender for the 8 seed in the West next year…wait, that’s what they already were? F***…

- Even though Fab Melo is likely to be a big useless mop in the pros, I like Boston’s pick of Jared Sullinger at 21. I am a Sullinger skeptic at the next level, but this was a guy that would have probably been a top 5 pick had he decided to enter last year’s draft. When you’re an established team like the Celtics and you’re picking in the 20’s anyway, why not take a shot at someone like that? (I couldn’t help but laugh when Sullinger had to pick up a ladder in 1 of ESPN’s dumb draft promos though. As he put the ladder down, you saw Sullinger grab his back before the camera had time to cut away…classic…too bad f***ing Bill Simmons noticed this and pointed it out already again…Siiiiimmmmmmmoooooonnnnsssss!!!)

- Miles Plumlee…I refuse to actually look up their draft history, but the Pacers just can never resist grabbing a big white guy from the ACC. If Tyler Zeller was still available when they picked, Hoosier nation would have collectively splooged all over their TV sets.

- The most interesting part of the draft might have actually been the end of the 1st round…Perry Jones was still available by the time Miami was picking at 27. Jones would have probably been a top 3 pick had he decided to come out of school last year, but he stayed at Baylor 1 more year, and questions about his motor and knees caused him to drop leading up to this year's draft. This reminded me of Terrence Morris, who was projected as a lottery pick if he had come out after his sophomore season at Maryland many years ago. The thing was Morris had lottery talent, but his personality was more of a guy who just wanted to blend into a lineup…that’s Jones to a T. Morris stayed his full 4 years in college, was a 2nd round pick by the time he entered the draft, and never really caught on in the NBA (he’s still playing overseas I believe). Anyway, Jones may have conceivably been a great fit for the Heat, who already have veteran leadership, but who are old, slow, and small outside of their big 3. Miami passed on Jones to pick Arnett Moultrie, who isn’t as highly touted as Jones, but is also an athletic big man…however, Miami shipped him to Philly for a 2nd rounder and a future 1st rounder…weird. It might be a smart deal, as the trade might yield them a better pick down the road. Also, Moultrie might have filled a need, but the Heat might not have wanted to tie up more salary cap space with a guaranteed 1st round contract. Naturally, the Thunder had the next pick, and they swooped up Jones, adding another lottery-type talent to their young talent-rich core…interesting indeed.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

2 Years Later: Looking Back at LeBron

It’s been a week since the Miami Heat won the 2011-2012 NBA championship, so you would think there might be a moratorium on NBA blogs for a while (or at the very least LeBron James posts). But for me, LeBron is a fascinating enough figure that I could probably write something about him every other day or so. I doubt I’m alone in this feeling, which probably has something to do with the over-analysis of everything LeBron has done since he was a sophomore in high school.

To the victor goes the spoils (and talk show appearances).

Even though the Heat won it all this year, simultaneously exorcising James’ personal demons and validating Miami’s big 3, there’s something I will never be able to get out of my head. It confounds me so much that even as I stood in front of the TV this morning, toothbrush still in my mouth, watching SportsCenter show a clip of LeBron, Wade, and Bosh on “The View” from earlier this week, all I could think was, “What happened between May 7th and May 9th back in 2010?”

Long before we thought of James as a choke artist, we thought of him as a phenom (similar to how we perceive Kevin Durant now). LeBron singlehandedly carried some of his Cavs teams deeper into the playoffs than they probably deserved to go based on how good those teams actually were. In 2007, nobody was talking about not being clutch when James basically beat the Detroit Pistons all by himself. James’ Cavs then got swept by a San Antonio Spurs team with Tim Duncan and the Spurs’ D at the height of their powers.

In 2008, Cleveland was ousted from the playoffs by the eventual champion Boston Celtics, but not without James waging an epic game of “can you top this” with Paul Pierce. LeBron’s individual numbers were always slightly better, but it was Pierce and the Celts that eventually moved on. If the 2007 Finals loss to the Spurs was when the seed was planted in James’ mind that the Cavs would never surround him with enough help to win it all, it was most definitely this Boston series that added the water, fertilizer, and other gardening TLC to it.

In 2009, James and the Cavs fell short again, this time in the Conference Finals to Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magic. To me, this outcome is still an oddity because I honestly feel that Cleveland had the better team. The NBA and Nike were certainly counting on it, as Kobe-LeBron TV spots had been running throughout the entire postseason (and some pretty funny spoofs of those commercials on YouTube as well). But this was the year of Orlando’s funky spread-the-floor-with-4-shooters lineup. The Cavs had no one that could match-up with Howard inside, and the Magic hit seemingly every 3 they took. James averaged close to a triple-double (38.5 points, 8.3 boards, 8.0 assists) for the series, but it wasn’t enough.


It wasn’t until 2010 that we all collectively said, “What the f*** was that?” though. Facing the Celtics again, James led the Cavs to a 2-1 series lead after demolishing the C’s on their home court in game 3. LeBron looked unstoppable in that game, going for 38 points on 14 for 22 shooting. However, for the next 3 games it was like we were watching a different person, as the Celtics won 3 straight to close out the series. James’ numbers in games 4, 5, and 6 look more than respectable at 1st glance (he nearly averaged a triple-double in that span), but something was off.

In game 4, James shot poorly (7 for 18) and had 7 turnovers. He also seemed less intense than only 2 nights before in game 3 when he practically ripped Boston’s heart out. S*** happens though…maybe it was just an off night for him…maybe he was tired. Game 5 was more alarming though. Coming back to Cleveland, you would expect the juice from the home crowd to give James a jolt. LeBron seemed less intense and less engaged than game 4 even. It wasn’t so much that he shot poorly again; it was that he only took 14 shots for the game in 42 minutes. No one in attendance or watching on TV understood what was happening. James looked as if he just wanted to get the game over with as quickly as possible regardless of the outcome.

Looking back, game 6 was fascinating for so many reasons. The return to Boston allowed for 2 days of media skepticism, which LeBron no doubt heard most of. It was clear that James was at least going to give the appearance that he gave a damn. He played all but 2 minutes and took 21 shots from the field this time. Even though he shot under 40% again and coughed the ball up 9 times, his numbers at least made him look more assertive on the surface: 27 points, 19 rebounds, and 10 dimes. But LeBron James could sleepwalk through a triple-double on most nights if he was on the court for nearly the full 48. Long gone were the joyfulness and swagger James displayed in Boston during his game 3 demolition derby. His game 6 was cold and robotic. He whined to the refs, he gave sideways glances at teammates following their miscues, and he looked as if he was only taking shots because he felt he had to take them. It was only 2 years before that James played his last game of those playoffs on the same floor, but he went kicking and screaming, dueling Pierce every step of the way. It was only 6 days earlier on the same floor that James looked ready to step on the Celtics’ throat.

Was LeBron's 2010 series just a strength in numbers issue, or was it something more?

After the final buzzer, LeBron had barely gotten to the tunnel before his red Cavs jersey was already off. I didn’t really know what to think…was it something in his personal life? Were the rumors of Delonte West giving it to LeBron’s mom really true, causing some kind of emotional strike? Did James have some kind of psychotic break (in a sports sense)? Had he simply decided he didn’t want to be in Cleveland anymore? Had the weight of having to carry the Cavs night in and night out finally taken its toll, thus causing James to physically and mentally break down? Or was it something simpler…had the Celtics simply figured James out? Did LeBron maybe just have his worst 3 games of his life?

Anyone who watched that series and saw the change in James’ body language from game 3 on would probably disagree with the last 2 possibilities, but I guess that’s the whole point: no one really knows. And no one knows what’s going to happen next either. LeBron could go on to win 8 titles and 11 MVPs, and most people will forget that particular series ever happened…but not me…which probably explains why that thought creeps into my head at 6:30am with a mouthful of toothpaste…another case of LeBron over-analysis at its finest.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Thing About Knees, Part 2: "Yea, That Starts To Happen"

1 of my favorite Louis CK bits of all time is when he talks about going to see his doctor because of ankle pain as a 40 year old. Looking for some type of remedy, the doctor offers Louis no real fixes, and instead just points out that his ankle is just “worn out” and “s***ty” now.


This is pretty much the viewpoint I’ve adopted for my own body recently as well. In the infancy of this blog, I think a quarter of all my posts were injury-related. Now, I’m at the point that I’m just tired of talking about it. This is partially because it seems like a new ache or pain is popping up all the time, and partially because (like Louis’ doctor) I’m not going to do anything about it anyway.

On Sunday, I re-tweaked my left knee playing 1-on-1 with Krissy. The play where it happened was innocent enough: I took 1 dribble to my right, and planted for a pull-up jumper. There was no contact, and this wasn’t some violent looking, Derrick Rose-esque jump-stop either…it was a pretty routine play for me honestly, and I was even wearing my knee brace at the time, a remnant of the last time I had a “minor” knee injury a month or so ago.

The reality though is that there’s a lot of wear and tear there, and it’s not like injuries to different parts of the knee are mutually exclusive from 1 another. A partial meniscus tear, an MCL sprain, an ACL sprain (that last 1 was only self-diagnosed, but it’s my best guess)…they all add up, and I’m no doctor, but I always believe that an injury to 1 area causes your body to naturally overcompensate somewhere else (which can lead to another injury and so on).

While the area where it hurts this time is unfamiliar to me from my previous injuries, it doesn’t seem to be major. While still not pain-free and somewhat unstable feeling today, it feels better than it did yesterday. Using my ol’ injury criteria (if I was on a team and had a game, could I strap a brace on it, take some Advil, and go out there and play if I had to?), I think I would pass. Still, with every passing tweak, I always wonder how many more jumps, plants, and cuts this knee has in it.

This brings me back to my original point…I always joke with Krissy that if and when she gets pregnant, I am going to take a break from everything, go to the doctor, and get my knee and shoulder cleaned out. But short of having some catastrophic D-Rose/Baron Davis injury, I doubt I will actually go through with it. The fact is that I’m 27, and (as the blog title goes) nothing more than a “B-Court All-Star” at this point. I fully expect to be working out and playing sports well into an advanced age, but as a weekend warrior type I can’t see myself going under the knife unless absolutely necessary.

I'll have what he's having.

So for now, I think I will just have to live with having a s***ty incurable knee and trying to do my best to maintain its current state. If that means saying, “I’ll take 1 of everything,” when going through the McDavid catalog (or as I like to call it, the “Dwyane Wade special”), I guess that’s what I’ll do. The other alternative (taking it easy) never sounds all that fun to me anyway.

Monday, June 25, 2012

A Good Crowd Chant Gone Wrong


Crowd chants at sporting events are pretty ubiquitous at this point, enough so that you don’t even realize they are going on half the time when you are watching a game on TV. At 1 time, crowd chants actually seemed to mean something. I remember watching old Bulls-Knicks games as a kid, and when the Madison Square Garden crowd would belt out “Defense!” in unison during critical New York defensive possessions it felt as if the jumbotron atop the arena could come crashing down on the court at any time. In that same light, the 1st time I heard a crowd chant “bulls***” at the officials after a blown call, I legitimately thought there might be a fan riot.

Now, almost all sports crowd chants are completly lame and derivative. For example, every NBA crowd chants “M-V-P” when their star is at the free throw line, whether he is a legitimate candidate for that award or a fringe All-Star. Rajon Rondo is a great player, but I almost lost my mind when the Boston crowd gave him the MVP chant this postseason. (I have since softened my stance on this 1…Boston’s crowds are usually pretty smart and savvy when it comes to this stuff, and this may have served as a subtle jab at LeBron as much as a tribute to Rondo during the Boston-Miami series. Because of that, Celtics fans get a pass here.) There are other mainstays in every building like the “Let’s go, Celtics, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap” chant. “Let’s go, Cel-tics” can be replaced by just about any other 4 syllable phrase here too (“Ty-son Chand-ler, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap” or Duke fans chanting “Co-dy’s bet-ter” at Tyler Zeller, referencing Tyler’s younger brother, Cody). If it were up to me, all chants that use the 4 syllable phrase followed by 5 claps formula would be outlawed today. The 1 time I remember hearing it recently that was kind of cool was, ironically, also in Boston, where C’s fans chanted “Let’s go, Celtics” during the closing moments of game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals against Miami when Boston was trailing by what seemed like 50 points. Game 7 had yet to be played, so the Celtics were still alive at the time, but it was like Boston fans somehow knew it would be their last chance of the year (and maybe ever) to say goodbye to the team as currently constructed.

So when the Miami crowd started to chant the Kanye West song “Power” during the closing minute of their Finals clinching win over the Thunder it had a chance to be a cool moment as well. Crowd singalongs have become popular in recent years. For example, it seems like every college basketball arena in the country plays and hums along with either The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army” or the jock jams classic “Zombie Nation” at a certain break in the game. While it usually goes unnoticed, “Power” has become a staple of Heat wins as the clock winds under a minute to play in the game. While it wasn’t exactly the old Boston Garden ominously chanting “Beat LA” to the Sixers at the end of the ’82 Eastern Conference Finals, it had some serious goose bump potential. It was like the official signal that the Miami Heat block party was about to begin…until James Jones, mop that he is, shot a corner 3 that bounced off the top of the backboard. The often maligned Miami crowd’s chant died out within a second or 2 following Jones’ brick. I will give them a B- for effort at least…some plays you can’t chant through no matter how hard you try though.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Thunder-Heat, Game 5: The Champ Is Here

It’s no secret that I somewhat try to emulate Bill Simmons’ writing style in these posts. Last night I planned on ripping him off completely by blogging an in-game diary of game 5 of the NBA Finals…so much for that idea. I think I wrote 1 snarky comment about Matthew McConaughey’s straight-away 3-point bank shot on Jimmy Kimmel’s pregame show, and then I wrote something about the turnover that led to LeBron’s breakaway dunk that gave Miami a 2-0 lead being a bad sign for OKC. But after that, I just couldn’t keep up with it. I was just too into the game to stop and try to quickly think of something funny, smart, and relevant to write every 5 minutes…experiment failed.

With that being said, game 5 was pretty much drama-free from the 2nd quarter on. I was curious as to whether Miami would seize the moment and put their foot on OKC’s neck, or would they let a desperate Thunder team send this series back to their homecourt, possibly allowing the seeds of doubt to seep into the collective psyche of this Heat team once again. It turned out to be the former.

"It's about damn time."

OKC trimmed a 17 point 2nd quarter lead to 10 by halftime, but it seemed like they were down more (they only managed to keep it that close by being awarded a very generous amount of free throws early on). The Thunder got it as close as 5 thanks to a quick spurt a minute into the 3rd…but from that point on, it was all Miami. When Mike Miller made 3’s on the 1st 2 possessions of the 4th, the Heat lead had swelled to 27. With the outcome of the game no longer in doubt, the final 10 minutes or so served as a Miami coronation (for the record, the final score was 121-106).

LeBron will get the lion’s share of the credit and pub, and he is deserved of it, but let’s delve a little deeper. For many reasons over the past 2 seasons, it just seemed like this Miami experiment wasn’t going to work. LeBron wasn’t mentally strong enough. While great talents separately, the individual pieces of the Heat’s big 3 didn’t seem to fit together. And their supporting cast just plain wasn’t as good as they were supposed to be.

Mike Miller was unconscious last night, but he and the rest of the Miami role players finally played like Pat Riley had always hoped they would.

Ironically enough, it took until the closeout game of the Finals for the Heat to be exactly what Pat Riley envisioned 2 years ago. James stuffing the stat sheet with a triple double...Dwyane Wade living in the paint to the tune of 20 points…Chris Bosh settling comfortably into his role as the 3rd banana, scoring a quiet 24 points…and those 3 drawing so much defensive attention that Miami’s “others” were getting wide open looks from 3-point land. Miller and Shane Battier had been mostly disappointments since their arrivals in Miami, but the 2 combined to go 10 for 15 from downtown last night, including Miller’s near-historic 7 for 8…all that being accompanied by stifling team defense is a recipe for a championship.

As for the young Thunder, it was clear as this series went on that they may have gotten to this point a year ahead of schedule and weren’t quite ready for this stage just yet. Pending any big moves in the offseason by the Lakers or Mavericks (maybe even including them), they will be the clear cut favorites to win the Western Conference again next season. As currently constructed, this group has improved every season. There’s no reason that the upward trend won’t continue next year. They have the league’s best scorer in Durant and another top 10 player in Westbrook. If they stay healthy, add 1 or 2 complimentary players, and use this loss to fuel their desire to win a title, there’s no telling how good OKC could be.

It's safe to say we haven't seen the last of these 2.

But last night belonged to LeBron James and the Miami Heat. The monkey that had been on James’ back since his postseason failures in Cleveland are gone, and with that so is the 1 that the Miami franchise had collectively carried around ever since “The Decision.” Frankly, it will be interesting to see how the court of public opinion views the Heat going into next season. In year 1 of the big 3, LeBron and Miami were widely hated. This year those feelings seemed to die down a little, but you still didn’t have to look too hard to find Heat-haters across the sports universe. Now, will LeBron, Wade, and company be universally loved again (as they were prior to their coming together)? Or are haters still gonna hate?

Realistically, probably some combination of the 2…whatever you want to say, the Heat actually got it done this year. If you look at it in a different way, they were actually 2 games from having 2 championships in their 1st 2 years, but that’s an argument for a different day. No doubt, some people still won’t forget the Heat’s original arrogance though and LeBron’s infamous “not 5, not 6, not 7” line. He has 1 ring, but now I fully expect people to chime in with “Kobe’s got 5” and “MJ’s got 6” too. After all, no matter what LeBron had accomplished up to this point in his career, it seems like we always expected more. It’s unlikely that we will be satisfied no matter how many records, MVPs, or rings he winds up with whenever his career finally ends. To those that love basketball though, let’s try to appreciate him while he’s here.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Thunder-Heat, Game 4: Cramping OKC's Style

So…that was some game.

NBA Finals games are supposed to have a certain level of intensity, but the Heat and Thunder seemed to ratchet it up a couple notches last night. Desperately not wanting to go down 3-1, OKC started off the game at warp speed, jumping out to an early 17 point lead only to let Miami answer with their own 16-0 run, and the Heat survived a Russell Westbrook explosion and some 4th quarter cramp-age by LeBron James to gut this 1 out.

Westbrook was unstoppable last night, but most people will only remember his role in 1 critical play.

Oddly enough, it’s Miami that looks like the more physical, more grind-it-out, and more clutch team right now, which is saying something given their criticisms over the last 2 seasons. On the other hand, as 1 of my favorite sayings goes, OKC looks just good enough to lose at the moment. You can’t say the Thunder haven’t played well (they have only been outscored by a total of 5 points for the series), but Miami seems to be using their experience to their advantage.

James, Dwayne Wade, and Mario Chalmers were the ones making the big plays at the end of last night’s game. Westbrook was fantastic, but had a Chris Webber “lite” moment at the end of the game (his foul on Chalmers that pretty much iced the game), Kevin Durant faded late (only 3 shot attempts and 2 turnovers in the 4th quarter), and James Harden had another nightmare game (2 for 10 from the floor, 4 turnovers, and a shankapotomus layup attempt on a fast break in the 4th to boot).

An unlikely hero: with LeBron suffering from severe leg cramps, Mario Chalmers came to the rescue.

It looks like Miami simply out-toughed OKC too…the Thunder have a definitive size advantage, as Miami has continued to go small with Chris Bosh and Udonis Haslem manning the center position for most of the series while James and Shane Battier share power forward duties. Still, the Heat have outrebounded the Thunder the past 3 games, and LeBron and Dwyane Wade are living in the paint. Meanwhile, OKC is built around their perimeter play and their ability to make jumpers, and if 1 of their big 3 is off (it’s been Harden for most of this series), it can be difficult to overcome.

Also speaking to toughness, OKC seemed too concerned with the refs in game 4. 1st, it’s a given that the Heat are the darlings of the NBA right now, so the “tie goes to the runner” theory should be assumed when you’re playing against Miami (especially in Miami). 2nd, you’re simply not going to get as many calls when you’re a jumpshooting team like the Thunder are. 3rd, it was pretty clear early on last night that the refs were going to let just about anything go away from the ball. Being the more physical team, this favored Miami, but the game was officiated that way all night. 4th, there seemed to be at least close to an equal number of missed calls or phantom calls on both sides last night…the ones working against OKC just seemed to come at more inopportune times. 5th, if I’m a ref, I’m not bailing out Westbrook with a foul every time he goes into hyperdrive and flies towards the rim in a semi-out-of-control fashion just because he gets bumped a tad. And 6th, if you check last night’s box score, the Thunder actually benefitted from more whistles than the Heat. Miami was called for 19 personal fouls for the game to OKC’s 16, and the Thunder took 9 more free throw attempts.

So, less sideways glances at the refs, more made baskets, please. If not, South Beach may be the party location of the century Thursday night.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Secret's Out

It’s been a while since I’ve done 1 of my “terrible movie review” posts, but fortunately TV can be a great source of material too. Here to the rescue is ABC Family’s “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” To my amazement, this show is currently in its 5th season, and looks like it has enough of a following that it might stick around for even longer. 5 seasons! That’s as long as “Friday Night Lights” was on the air, for Pete’s sake…

The show was meant to be an insider’s look at the worlds of teens that parents and teens could watch together. It’s so campy and so single-minded (as good ol’ YouTube will attest to in a minute) that virtually every episode I’ve seen is completely unbelievable. Seriously, who as a teenager ever talked or acted like this? The core audience of the show seems like teenage girls, but I wonder how many of them watch just to giggle as 1 character will rattle off the word “sex” 47 times in a 90 second stretch.


I do wonder how many people like Krissy and I watch though. We stumbled upon the show a few years ago during the summer when there was nothing else on TV…no games, no movies, nothing on the DVR. We were channel-flipping, somehow landed on ABC Family, and stuck it out for a few minutes. We ended up screaming at the TV due to the stupidity of all the characters (and for the awful acting), but it was so bad that we couldn’t help wondering what was going to happen next. Somehow, we kept finding ourselves tuning in for at least part of “Secret Life” every week until we finally just decided to add it to our DVR queue.

And now, here we are…hating all the characters and the show as a whole, but still watching. Ben is so weasel-y, spineless, and entitled that you just want to wring his skinny ostrich neck. Grace is fake, selfish, and a complete c***tease. And I’m still not convinced that the actress that plays Ashley isn’t a china doll cyborg from another planet. For what it’s worth, the adults on the show are all kind of funny in their own way, and every time I see the 1 mom I say, “Hey, there’s the girl from all those John Hughes movies all grown up!” but for the most part they are only meant to be side props to the teenagers’ ridiculous adventures in adolescence.

"Look at yourself, you f****** swan!"

Of the kid actors, I only find 2 of them to be redeemable in any way. 1st is Shailene Woodley, who was really pretty good as the older daughter in The Descendents. For any “Secret Life” watchers, you will be completely taken off guard by her on-point use of the word “t***” as well as the many variations of the word “f***.” (Weirdly, when she was only a little kid she also played Marissa’s younger sister in “The O.C.” for all of 6 episodes before she was effectively killed off and sent to boarding school or something.)

The language in The Descendants is a little saltier than what "Secret Life" fans might be used to.

The 2nd, and I’m not proud to say this, is the actor that plays Tom, who is basically Grace’s mentally challenged older brother. As un-P.C. as it is, it’s impossible for me to watch him deliver a line without cracking up. The only thing that probably saves me from going to hell on this 1 is that it looks like the show’s writers have started to purposely exploit his condition for comic relief over the last few episodes. At 1st, it seemed like his character was meant to diversify the cast and show the family interactions of a mentally challenged person, but the show doesn’t use him that way at all, so why should I view him that way?

Overall, I’m not sure how much more of a shelf life the show has. The nature of teen soaps is that the characters age-out of whatever situation they are in, and any effort to continue the show past that is usually far-fetched…unless they change the name to “The Secret Life of the American 20 Year Old,” or something. It seems like the writers did stagger the ages of the characters so all of them don’t move on to college at the same time though, and it’s possible that an influx of new younger characters could take over the show, but I’m not sure that’s the best idea. “Secret Life” has already clumsily taken us through teenage sex, teenage pregnancy, teenage marriage, and teenage lesbianism. What’s next, teenage cannibalism? Besides that, is anyone going to want to watch Ricky and Grace’s half-brothers carry the show once the current crop of characters graduates? Then again, why are we watching now exactly?