Friday Fluff: NFL Sack Dance Power Rankings

The more time passes, it seems the more choreographed celebrations have popped up in the NFL. The league tried to curtail this several years ago, when it seemed like almost every score was followed by some elaborate dance or pantomime. It’s tough to argue that it hadn’t gotten out of control, but I admittedly enjoyed some of the routines. I subscribe to the Tony Kornheiser philosophy, which is that I will pretty much forgive anything for “smart and funny.” As annoyingly self-promoting as he was, I actually enjoyed T.O.’s dalliances with sharpies, pom-poms, and bags of popcorn. On the other hand, Joe Horn’s hiding-a-cellphone-in-the-goalpost routine seemed stupid…so if you’re going to do something, it better be good. If not, hit the bricks. While the NFL has since legislated out any celebrations involving props or multiple teammates, players have actually found a new, smarter (in my opinion) way of celebrating scores: coming up with their own personal celebration that they repeat over and over. In today’s sports world of making your own brand and selling yourself, this seems like the way to go. Even casual football fans will recognize Aaron Rogers’ title belt/discount double-check motion, Victor Cruz’s salsa dance, and Arian Foster’s bow. Eventually though, defensive players must have said, “Hey, what about us? Why should the skill players have all the fun?” Now, we have a slew of (of all things) signature sack celebrations to rival those from the offensive guys. Much like the T.O.-Joe Horn comparison, some are good, and some are not so good. I attempted to make a list going from worst to 1st…

10. Ndamukong Suh’s “Head Smack/Roar/Flex”…Suh is an absolute beast of a player, and I wouldn’t want to be the 1 to tell him this to his face, but his sack dance is pretty wack. Is he going out of his mind? Is he flexing? Roaring? What? As you’ll see further down, it just seems derivative of a bunch of other celebrations on this list. Also, it doesn’t really seem to fit with Suh’s personality, and because of that it appears somewhat forced, as if he gets a sack and then thinks to himself, “Oh s***, I forgot I have to do my dance thing. How does it go again?”

9. Shawne Merriman’s “Lights Out”…Due to injuries, he’s mostly irrelevant now despite being only 28 years old, but he still gets consideration for being an active player (Buffalo resigned him last week). Merriman’s “Lights Out” dance was cool, but it was also a little over the top, convoluted, and WWE-ish. It was called “Lights Out,” but it looked like he was firing off a machine gun or something, and it resembled what the wrestling world’s Batista would do to pump up the crowd more than anything else. I could be wrong, but it seemed like he never completely thought it through.

...the f***?

8. Terrell Suggs’ “Flexing/Being A Badass/Looking Like A Tough Guy”…As you can see from my description, Suggs’ post-sack move is kind of hard to describe. It’s not so much a move as a general swagger and display of attitude. In another wrestling-inspired metaphor, think of Triple H’s schtick, which is mostly snarling, being jacked, and looking tough. Suggs will sometimes add a double finger point at the crowd or something too, but he proves that in the celebration game sometimes less is more.

7. Brian Orakpo’s “Roar/Flex/Bursting Out Of His Own Skin”…Did I mention how nice it is that Microsoft Word doesn’t autoformat your list when you write the list in reverse order? I’m going to make reverse order lists more often for that reason alone. Like Suh’s celebration, Orakpo’s dance seems a little forced and copycat-ish. The concept of being so hyped that you tear off your own skin is kind of rad I guess, but maybe Orakpo should bag this until he stops tearing pec muscles at least.

6. DeMarcus Ware’s “Kane Dance”…Sense a wrestling crossover trend here? I have never heard him talk about it or seen anything written about it, but to me Ware’s sack dance is so blatantly a rip-off of the WWE’s Kane’s thing he does before his fireworks go off that I see no other reason to call it anything but the “Kane Dance.” Having said that, he is a scary dude, and he plays against my Washington Redskins twice a year, so do whatever the f*** you want. Just please don’t kill RG3.

Does that make Jay Ratliff The Undertaker?

5. JJ Watt’s “Salute”…It’s really simple, and the “Mile High Salute” will always be the original salute celebration, but it works for Watt. I also give Watt props for “throwing away” Roger’s title belt and another famous Packer’s move before saluting the crowd in their game against Green Bay a few weeks ago, but I guess I also have to deduct a few points because the Packers won that game going away despite Watt’s strong play.

4. (Tie) LaMarr Woodley’s “Kick Open The Door” and Larry Foote’s “Stomp Out The Fire”…How can this be anything but a tie? Both are Steelers’ linebackers who played their college ball at Michigan, both celebrations use their feet, and I’ve wanted to use both equally awesome moves during our adult recreational coed 2-hand-touch football games at 1 time or another.

2. Jared Allen’s “Lasso”…I must confess that for years I didn’t even know what Allen’s “Lasso” move was. When I found out, my initial reaction was “WTF,” as the kids say these days. However, for a player that is equal parts wacky and great the move is fitting, as Allen’s “Lasso” is as ridiculous as it is awesome.

1. Clay Matthews’ “Predator”…I also must confess that I Googled “Clay Matthews Sack Dance” to figure out what his celebration was called for fear of having to use some variation of “Flex/Pose/etc.” again. Turns out, it was inspired by the movie Predator, but whatever the origin it’s probably the coolest looking signature football move out there today. And maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with Matthews’ penchant for being an unblockable, relentless freak of nature as well. Watt can toss Matthews' “Predator” out all he wants, but Matthews doesn't appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.

If your sack dance appears in multiple commercials, you know you've got something.