Maddening

It’s a Monday morning following a 3 day weekend, so it goes without saying that I am not motivated to do any real work. Sadly, I actually have stuff that needs to get done at work for once too, but I just can’t seem to get myself moving. And what could be a more appropriate blog post topic for my current laziness than video games? I have never been what you would call a “gamer,” but for some reason I have recently been on somewhat of a Madden binge. Like I said though, I have never really been a big gamer, so to me a “binge” might consist of playing 4 or 5 hours a week. Anyway, prior to the last couple of weeks I never played against the computer in anything but All-Pro (I had used All-Madden, but only while playing people head-to-head), but I set my most recent Madden franchise to the All-Madden skill level using my crappy hometown Redskins. I’m not the most hardcore Madden player, but All-Pro is just too easy when playing against the computer. Even I can take a weak franchise and cruise to a 15-1 type season and a Super Bowl win while winning most games by at least 3 or 4 touchdowns. When playing on All-Madden, I at first thought I was just a little bit rusty from not having consistently played in awhile, as I got dusted by scores like 63-21 and 56-10 by the Jets and Ravens during the preseason. I hadn’t really gotten frustrated yet to that point. I knew I was getting beat, but I blamed real-life Skins owner Dan Snyder for just how large my margins of defeat were, as his personnel decisions had sapped the team’s depth over the years to the point where the other team’s benches were so much better than mine that it was laughable. I was always losing at halftime, but the 2nd half of these preseason games (when my benchwarmers were going against the other team’s) was when I was really getting smashed.

I didn’t start to pull the hair out of my head until the regular season started though, when it became apparent that when playing against the computer the All-Madden setting is simply too hard. While it’s difficult to tell at times, I can safely say that my play has steadily improved from when I 1st began this new franchise. Still, I’m currently 0-5 in the regular season, with most of the outcomes not that far off from those preseason scores I mentioned before. I am not sure off the top of my head what my worst performance was, but the game that I felt most emasculated after was the something like 52-0 home drubbing suffered at the hands of the unstoppable All-Madden superhuman Packers. It’s gotten to the point that if I’m only losing 17-3 or something like that midway through the 2nd quarter, and Krissy happens to glance at the screen she will say in a perfectly serious voice, “Wow babe, you’re playing well.” The 1st couple of times she made that kind of comment I wanted to throw my shoe through the television screen, but really she’s 100% right.

The All-Madden setting is so hard that it is really borderline cheating. I’m not sure whether playing offense or defense is more frustrating. Probably the most maddening (no pun intended) thing overall is how the computer completely and utterly dominates the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball. My offensive line (which I would call respectable, but not great) looks like a sieve playing against the CPU’s superhuman d-linemen. Unless you randomly catch the computer D in some type of obvious pass defense formation with only 5 or 6 guys in the box, you pretty much have to forget trying to run the ball…even then, the holes close up so quickly that a 4 or 5 yard gain is cause for minor celebration. And yet, your best chance at keeping the score close is by being patient and continuing to try to mix in the run as much as possible. If you can stomach the no gains and 3 yard losses, it at least keeps the clock running and shortens the game a little bit. If you think trying to run the ball while 3 defenders penetrate into the backfield is no fun, try passing the ball in the same situation. Donavan McNabb has been lying on his back more in this virtual season than a $2 hooker. I think all of this hurts my offense more than it would others because when I play against the computer on All-Pro or against other actual people I like to rely on the run and the play action pass…and it’s tough to do either when your QB/RB is constantly running for his life behind the line of scrimmage. Screen passes were also always a favorite of mine, but those also become exponentially more difficult when the superhuman linebackers and defensive backs always expertly knife through my would-be blockers on the way to the ballcarrier. As a result, I basically have ended up calling a lot of short crossing patterns using 3 and 4 wide receiver sets to try to get the ball out of McNabb’s hands quickly. With that being said, the majority of my pass attempts are still checkdowns to Portis out of the backfield and Cooley. In the rare event that I do call the perfect pass play for a given defense and have time to throw, there’s probably a 50-50 chance that the receiver either drops the ball or McNabb throws the ball straight into the ground. Either way, you’re pretty much screwed.

Playing defense against the computer on All-Madden is equally if not more soul-crushing than playing offense. Probably the worst part is trying to stop the run. Whereas you might consider 2 or 3 yards per carry a monumental success for your offense when playing on All-Madden, the CPU All-Madden running backs continually rip off 6 and 8 yard runs even against run blitzes. The superhuman CPU backs almost never can be brought down by 1 defender, and routinely break multiple tackles on a single play. At least once a game, expect the back to be seemingly bottled-up only to break loose and run for a 30+ yard score. Just like when playing on offense against the superhuman CPU d-linemen, the All-Madden computer offensive linemen make it look as if the mid-90’s Dallas Cowboys are playing against your high school’s junior varsity. Sometimes I will watch the instant replay after the computer makes a nice running play, and my entire defensive line will have gotten pancake-blocked…at the same time. On passing plays, if you don’t blitz, you are not getting to the quarterback, and even then the line usually stonewalls every defender creating a perfect pocket. If you somehow magically force the computer into a 3rd and 17 or something, a receiver will inevitably run down the seam and catch a pass for 22 yards. If you do somehow stumble into perfect coverage, don’t expect your defenders to corral any interceptions even if it is thrown directly to them…meanwhile, the computer’s superhuman defense has no trouble making one-handed diving picks look routine. Also, happen to force a fumble? Don’t count on recovering it…I have yet to win a fight for a fumble playing on All-Madden.

While I’m probably on the way to an 0-16 season, I’ve taken solace in a couple of things. 1st, I think I’m a lock for getting the #1 overall draft pick should I continue my franchise for a 2nd season. 2nd, despite the I have pretty much gotten sha-lacked in every game so far, I do feel like playing on All-Madden is making me a better player overall. Your playcalls have to be perfect. On offense, you HAVE TO pick the right gap on running plays and pick the right receiver to throw to (and throw to them on time). You HAVE TO read the defenses better both pre-snap and post-snap. And you HAVE TO make quicker decisions because the pocket is collapsing and oh-my-damn you are about to get broken in half by Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis…sorry, flashback. The same concepts can be applied to defense as well. Even if you do all these things, you are probably still going to get crushed, but if you don’t at least do these you have no chance at all. 3rd, apparently I’m not the only one who’s had these problems. Over the last couple of weeks I had started to think that I must be the worst player in the history of Madden. I asked my brother-in-law, Frankie (an avid Madden player), how he normally does against the computer when playing on All-Madden, and he responded emphatically, “It’s impossible. I can’t do anything.” This was actually pretty comforting because I have played Frankie dozens of times in Madden, and I would say that we matchup pretty evenly. I also did a quick Google-search of “All-Madden franchise,” and there are dozens of Madden message boards that pretty much echoed my thinking: that even for hardcore Madden gamers, the makers of the game simply made the All-Madden setting too damn hard. Supposedly, if you make a franchise on All-Madden and continue to progress your franchise through several seasons, the ratings of your players will continue to progress and improve as well, thus improving your team…the problem is that the progression of the players is based on their individual stats, and it’s pretty hard to put up good stats if your team is losing by 4 touchdowns every game. So, to say it’s an uphill battle is an understatement.

My last game was against the Colts. I lost again, but the final score was only 24-7, which is my closest outcome to date. The key to keeping it that close was defense. I had 2 or 3 sacks. I forced 3 fumbles (of course, I only recovered 1). I held Addai to under 100 yards for the whole game (he still averaged almost 5 yards a carry, but I consider that a monumental achievement). I only scored 7 points, but I probably played better and smarter on offense than any game to this point. I missed a 30-something yard field goal, and fumbled away another scoring chance inside the red zone as well (which was actually more my fault than the computer “cheating”). Hypothetically, I left either 6 or 10 points out on the field, which could have brought me as close as 24-17, and that score wouldn’t have been indicative of a “sha-lacking” at all. I think the worst record in the league by season’s end is still a lock at this point, but hopefully if I get just a little bit better (and luckier) I can sneak out 1 win before the season is over. If not, I guess there’s always that #1 pick.