Go Scratch

2 of my most miserable childhood memories were on 2 separate occasions that I got poison ivy. I could be way off base here, but I think most people’s poison ivy experiences can be summed up with a few patches of rashiness and some itchiness. My experiences with poison ivy were nuclear in comparison. One small rash of poison ivy would inevitably result in me being covered in an itchy, rashy, disgusting mess from head-to-toe. I would literally look like a miniature version of Thing from the Fantastic 4.

Is that Thing or poisy ivy-infested Chris?

As an 11 or 12 year old with little self-control refraining from scratching was nearly impossible, but there wasn’t enough Benodryl, anti-itch cream, oatmeal baths, or calamine lotion to keep me from swelling up like a blowfish. My face was so swollen that I started to look like an Asian guy with bubonic plague. Not to be too graphic here, but my “man region” experienced some swelling as well…and not in a good way (picture filling up a balloon with helium). The swelling was so bad that I actually would get prescribed some type of steroid from the doctor to try to counteract it. (That was actually the only upside of my poison ivy catastrophes…I could go back to school and tell everyone that I was on steroids over the summer!)

Unfortunately, I didn't come back looking like Big Poppa Pump.

Anyway, fast forward to this week when I somehow seemed to have contracted what looks like some type of poison ivy looking thing. It’s probably the first time in 14 or 15 years that I’ve had some kind of itchy rash like this. The most frustrating thing is that I don’t even know how I got this. I didn’t go hiking through the woods or anything. Fortunately for me, I have a little more restraint and possibly am slightly less allergic to poison ivy type stuff now, so the rashes are currently constrained to a small spot on my right forearm, a little line on my left hip, and some bumps in between my fingers…the ones on my fingers, much to my chagrin, are the worst. In an unscientific poll (actually just me), the most obnoxious place to have poison ivy is on your hands and fingers. Anything you grab, brush against, or bump into irritates it. Showers (between the hot water, shampooing, etc.) are a nightmare. Normally mundane tasks like tying your shoe laces or turning on your turn signal are nightmarish. Consequently, the rash can get irritated and spread without you ever even scratching anything at all. My way of trying to cope is bandaging or taping my fingers like an old school, pre-receiver gloves football player.

Calamine lotion is like stick-um to me

Anyway, I’m closing in on a week since I first noticed any rash, so hopefully in the next couple days this will start to wear off. Until then, I hope Krissy is prepared for me to be whiny, itchy, and basically a miserable person in general.